A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
White bread has bromine in it. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Soy mimics estrogen and can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by deep fried food.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
[a tou che' moment...]
If Only Life Was Like A Computer...
If we messed up our life, we could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” or click on Restart.
To get our daily exercise, just click on “Run.”
If we need a break from life, click on “Standby.”
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
To drown out the background, blast the 3D Sound Card.
To “add/remove” someone in our life, Open the Control Panel.
To improve our appearance, just adjust the Display settings.
If life gets too noisy, just turn off the speakers.
When we lose our car keys, just click on “Find.”
“Help” with the chores is just a click away.
To recover from a crash, just click on "Restore".
We could click on “Send” and our troubles would be gone immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on Reload in the Tool Bar.
Click on “Close” to shut up troublesome Window.
To undo a mistake, click on “Back.”
If our wardrobe is getting old, just click on “Update.”
If we don’t like cleaning out life's litter box, click on “Delete.”
Oh, wistfulness is a great time out. Oh well, time to get back to work...
Two computer programmers are driving on a Freeway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: "Please note that a car is driving on I-75 against the traffic." The programmer in the passenger seat looks at the driver and says: "One? There are hundreds of them!"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they go to sleep. Later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes.”
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes immediately replies, “Watson, you’re missing the point. Someone has stolen our tent!”
One morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude though and grabs his 8-iron, while proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly, he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton, which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas, come here. I've got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben"?
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice as he's looking at the skeleton, "Better throw me my 7-iron!
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Received from an English Professor:
"This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted)- English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday..."
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
"At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question."
"Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit."
"He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully."
"Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
"This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent."
"Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."
If you do searches for the “funniest joke in the world,” this is the most common winner for U.S. audiences…
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them grabs his chest, falls to the ground, and then lies there motionless.
The other hunter calls 911. “My friend won’t get up, and I think he’s dead! What should I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, you have to make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence… then the operator hears two shots.
Then the voice comes back, "Okay, what do I do next?"
Have a great day!