An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
After the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men"? the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
My wife and I, both grad students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.
As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for and it leaks."
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you..."
"We also deliver."
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance."
"When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
The woman applying for the job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look miss," said the foreman. "Do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
She replied, "Well...I've been divorced three times."
My boss's wife, Sherry, was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable car and called her for a ride every time it broke down.
One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" she asked. "My brakes went out," her sister said. "Can you come and get me?"
"Where are you ?" Sherry asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," her sister responded.
"And where's the car?"
"It's in here with me."
Two hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six moose.
As they start loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load and goes down a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asks Wladek, "Any idea where we are"?
Wladek replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me... why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "After I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
A young man wants to join an Armed Service. He first checked out the Marines. The training was too rigorous. Each Branch of the Military in turn had something he did not like until he got to the Army Paratroopers.
The Recruiter said, "You get to ride on a plane every day, you jump out of a plane with a fail safe parachute that even has a backup chute and you ride back in a truck. That's it." So the young man joined the Army Paratroopers.
After some preliminary training, he takes his first plane ride. When it is his turn, he jumps. The chute doesn't open. He pulls the rip cord on the backup chute and nothing happens.
He yells to a fellow paratrooper as he's freefalling past him, "I knew that Recruiter was lying to me. I bet that truck is not down there, either..."
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened The Wife Store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and can really cook.
The third floor has wives that love sex, have money, can really cook and are drop dead gorgeous.
The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit"? St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll ruin you all!"
St. Peter was impressed.
"When did this happen"? he asked.
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.
Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that very moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What does it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tastes like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!" [oops...]
Have a great day!