When Grace Steps In
"Every decision we make is not about what we've decided to do, but who we've decided to become."
It was probably her giggling that drew my attention. Sentence diagramming really wasn't all that funny as far as I knew.
It was early May and I was facing a class of sixteen inner-city kids in South Central Los Angeles. Though I had almost three years of teaching under my belt, this particular sixth grade class had pushed me to the limits of my patience far too many times, and I was more than ready to wave goodbye to them for the summer.
I had come a long way from the idealism of my first year of teaching and living in the inner city. That first year I'd covered up the bullet hole in the window with an inspirational poster. I'd plastered the walls with pictures of places worlds removed from the industrial buildings across the street. I told the kids daily that they had something worth saying and that I could help them say it. Together we would work hard and make something of their lives.
The problem, of course, was that my ideals kept crashing up against reality. Not just the spirit-deadening reality of the inner city -- gang pressures, poverty, drug-destroyed families. I was also up against the basic, universal reality of the twelve- and thirteen-year-old mind. A mind with the switch tuned in almost permanently to the channel called "You can't make me!"
And now I was faced with a giggle when I should have had only rapt attention. Walking over to the young offender, I asked for the note she had in her hands. Frozen, she refused to give it to me. I waited, all attention in the room on the quiet battle between teacher and student. When she finally handed it over she mumbled, "Okay, but I didn't draw it," the first clue that this wasn't just an ordinary note being passed.
After getting the class going on a sentence diagramming competition, I finally had a chance to sneak a peek. It was a hand-drawn picture of me, dress details down to perfection, teeth blackened, nostrils flaring, and the words "I'm stupid" coming out of my mouth. The artist had done an amazing job and there was no doubt about who it was supposed to be.
I managed to fold up the picture calmly and return to directing the competition. My mind, however, was working furiously as I wavered between wanting to cry and wanting to ream a certain few students up one side and down the next. I figured I knew the two most likely candidates for drawing the picture. It would do them some good to get taken down a notch or two, and maybe it was high time that I did it!
Thankfully, that's when Grace intervened.
Somehow, in those moments of very real hurt and fury, God was able to save me (and my students) from myself, by asking me very softly, "You want to do it your way, or My Way?"
I'd had almost three years of mostly trying to do it my way, and my head and my heart were really beginning to hurt from pounding against so many little twelve- and thirteen-year-old walls of resistance.
"Okay, Lord," I silently prayed, "what should I do? How can you ever bring good out of this?"
With loving faithfulness, God showed me.
When there were about six minutes of class remaining I had the kids stop what they were doing and get out a piece of paper. Then, suppressing my pride, I showed them the picture. The whole class was silent as I told them how hurtful this was for me. Struggling not to cry, I told them there must be a reason behind why someone would draw such a picture and that now was their chance to tell me anything they needed to tell me. Then I let them write silently while I sniffled in the back of the classroom.
As I looked over the notes later, many of them said something like, "I've got nothing against you," or "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt." A number of them said, "You give us too much homework." One student said, "We're afraid of you." And two notes, from the girls I figured were behind the picture, had a list of issues. I was too mean, too strict, and I picked on certain people too much.
Reading those notes, I realized that over the course of this year of slipshod work and incomplete assignments I had moved from being disappointed to being downright angry. Instead of encouraging my students, I had begun commanding them to achieve. I'd set high expectations without allowing for grace. Where I thought I was driving them to success I was actually driving them away.
I had some apologizing to do.
When the kids walked into my classroom the next day one boy and one girl each handed me a card. The one signed by all the boys expressed sincere regret for the ugly joke. The one from the girls asked for forgiveness.
I was dumbfounded. And more than a little humbled. I had my little speech all ready to give to the kids, but they'd beaten me to the punch. God had not only been busy softening my heart but also the hearts of my students.
If only I had let Him lead more often before this. If only this was the only time I would need to be taught this lesson.
It wasn't. And with the help of this recalcitrant class, who I would also have as seventh and eighth graders, God gave me many more chances to learn just Who was better at teaching (and loving) inner-city kids.
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teacher Tales
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