Does She Still Have The Hiccups?
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up and said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.
"That'll look great in your home," I said.
"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"
Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed, and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his Fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these fish, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the fish back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “The fish in this lake are tempermental; will you whistle for me ?”
The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A man walked into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He set the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck began dancing.
The bartender found this rather interesting as did the rest of the customers in the pub. They all came round the duck and watched it for hours, and while doing so, bought more and more drink.
By the end of the night the bar was full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The bar tender realized that he hadn't seen business this good in a long time. It was so good that he offered to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for $500. The bartender thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man went home, leaving a crowded bar watching his dancing duck.
Later that night, the man got a telephone call; it was the bartender and he exclaimed that the duck was a great success and that he earned his money back in the amount of drinks he sold, but he inquired, "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?"
"Oh simple—just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle."
Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
The other replied, "Oh, really? I do the same thing. Only I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.
The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing."
"Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit."
"I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit."
"She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice..."
"So I switched the heads." [He should have kept his mouth shut. Who'd know?]
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "You emptied that bus stop pretty quick, but I'd say they're cussing you all the way to the next one."
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked. She replied. "Yes or no."
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed at night.
So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.
"I've got problems, doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he."Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it." I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! Heck, a bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was.
The florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So… he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
MAN:"Have these dishes been washed?" He asks the question while he's debating adding a dirty plate into the dishwasher.
WIFE:"NO." Never looks up from tending a toddler which is requiring a lot of physical effort.
MAN: He adds the plate to the rest and says, "OK, I'll wash them again."
WIFE: She quickly turns her face in his direction with a Clint Eastwood-ish -go ahead, make my day-kind of expression and asks, "Did you say AGAIN?"
MAN:detects tone change and realizes the question really being asked by his wife is "Are you calling me a liar?". Man is smart and replies without missing a beat, "Yes dear, but I didn't mean it."
My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear window.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "Now I really know that you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
My former sister-in-law, not always the brightest bulb in the chandelier, is still quite creative. She once rolled through a stop sign and then spotted the two patrolmen in the cop car watching her do it.
She stopped the car, backed up, stopped at the stop sign and slowly went on her way again.
She again looked over at the two cops, who were laughing so hard that they could hardly sit upright and they waved her on...
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no I in the word marriage."
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"
"I'm a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
I was stationed on Leyte during World War II.
Although the region was secure, sometimes the enemy tried to infiltrate our food-storage area.
One such adversary, dressed in GI clothing, once worked himself into the noontime chow line.
Our camp cook spotted him, reached under the serving table for his pistol and yelled for the MPs who were patrolling the area.
After it was all over, we asked the cook how he knew the man was an enemy soldier.
"I figured it wasn't one of you guys," he said, "'cause he was coming back for seconds."
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet."
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time on the golf course. After several horrible shots, their caddy asked, "Are you guys priests?"
"Actually, yes," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and clean language. Something was wrong with this picture."
Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. That's short for road kill.
I spent an afternoon helping my boyfriend move into a new home. In one carton I found a crockpot, with an odd-looking and very dirty metal lid. I scrubbed the lid clean and the crockpot with its unique lid looked nostalgic.
Later I ushered my boyfriend into the kitchen and asked why he hadn't mentioned this perfectly good pot.
He stared at it, then replied, "Well, after I broke the lid I never thought of replacing it with a hubcap."
Owning a 401(k) plan is a good idea—unless you worked for WorldCom. Much of its stock has been declared worthless. There's a lawsuit in progress that's trying to recoup some money for employees.
At the litigation website, I found a number to call for more information. My hopes for a speedy resolution were dashed, however, when after dialing, I heard, "700 Club Prayer Line. How may I help you?"
Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen, so I brought a driver's license and birth certificate.
The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down the necessary information.
She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long, long look. "Is something wrong?" I finally asked.
"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused. 'What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said. "I just thought we were getting along."
[It's no fun when you're mad and nobody knows...]
My brother-in-law, Charlie, boarded a crowded subway car on his way home to Brooklyn. Standing next to him was a man who'd clearly had a long liquid lunch.
When the doors opened at the next station, the man tumbled out and landed flat on his back.
Charlie rushed to his side, picked him up and hauled him back into the car.
As the train was pulling away, the man mumbled to Charlie, "That was my stop."
Have a great day!