Laughter, The Best Medicine
NASA interviewed potential astronauts for a trip to Mars. Only one person could go and since there couldn't be enough fuel for a return trip, it would be one-way only.
The first applicant was an engineer. "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?" the interviewer asked.
The engineer immediately answered, "One million dollars. And I'll donate it all to my alma mater: Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor. Once again, "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?"
The doctor answered, "Two million dollars; a million for my family and the other million for medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. And finally, "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?"
He immediately replied, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer curiously inquired.
The lawyer whispered, "I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million and we'll send the engineer!"
From The Pages Of Dilbert...
New Guy: "It's a new product. We have to name it something."
Smart Aleck Girl: "What takes up space and smells funny?"
New Guy [looking at Wally]: "What was your name again?"
Wally: "I don't think I like where this is headed..."
A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy we heard about. I want to talk to the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me."
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth, they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.
While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.
He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat; mine was tied to a railroad tie."
Willy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Willy, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
[I think there is a life lesson here...:-))]
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
Being divorced is wiping your feet at the front door. Even though she is three thousand miles away, she still might know...
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix.
So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Jesse, and I found Darlene attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?" Jesse suggested.
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, walked up, hit the professor full force and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God...
What we see depends mainly on what we are looking for....
The Thrill of Soaring begins with the Fear of Falling; Thus The Power of Encouragement...
Our second wind won't begin until our second mile...
An actor wanted to do his own stunt which involved running through a skyscraper window. He asked the FX team leader, "How hard can it be? I just run through the window, right?"
To which came the reply, "That's skyscraper glass. You can't break it even with a hammer." The actor asked, "How am I going to get through it, then?
The FX Master replied, "Just run at the window as fast as you can and trust me. The moment you hit the glass, I'm going to blow it out of the way. Even the fragments will be going away from you. I can do everything but run at the glass."
A true story from Battle Cry, KTV...and the Bible... Happy New Year!
Have a great day!